Items Tag › NICOLE, MON. anon!

D’oh

I’ve been a little miserable the past couple months even though I’ve tried to keep a positive attitude. From the very beginning I was unsatisfied with my schedule, and the classes themselves I don’t enjoy. Academically I’m not doing well at all, and I’m getting increasingly anxious. it’s my fault, though, because I’ve been missing so much class. I don’t want to be lectured on it; I’m more disappointed in myself than anyone else. I think I’m capable of doing well but I’m getting frustrated and hopeless so I wonder. I think I’m getting too fond of my friends. Their opinion matters to me more than it used to, and I feel at a disadvantage because I’m not a better person. By better I mean smarter, more disciplined, more fun to be around. See? Getting a little too close. I mean to push them away a little bit, but as soon as I see an opportunity to have even a little bit of company, I ask, and then get disappointed. Granted, when I am around some people I’m still discontent or bored even. I hate to think coming to Austin was a mistake. Or maybe studying biology is a mistake. I don’t want to start over, but something needs to change. I wonder if I need different friends, but I’m too shy to talk to new people for the sake of talking. and I like the friends I have, even if I really want to hate them most of the time. Funnily, I had the very same sentiments last year in Arlington even though I had no friends. Only it’s kind of worse now because my grades are horrible in important classes rather than electives. Wait. Does that mean friends = bad grades? But either way I’m sad. I just need to sleep less or concentrate better. I don’t knowww mannn. I just want to know that everything will be okay, but this is the most unsure I’ve felt in a while. Maybe living alone would have been a better idea.

October 21 2010, 10:07pm | Comments »

Let’s Try Something New or: Here We Go Again

Wow. I feel like I only post once every other month. No, wait, that’s exactly how it is. It’s for the best, though. Otherwise there would be dozens more entries over trivial feelings and the nothings that occur in my life. Besides, anything worth mentioning can be said in 140 characters or less (that’s what Twitter is for). Or a single paragraph (that’s what tumblr is for). Of course, when I do have intentions to post here it always ends up typed, unfinished and finally deleted. From the database and my mind. Hohoho, “my mind.” On to the trivial stuff. I finished my first semester of college recently. The verdict: not bad, but I suspect it will get more difficult. Academically, I’m doing a few things wrong. But I’ve been getting better lately. I just feel really discouraged. There are many leading tones sounding off in my head, begging to be followed on, answered by silence. What can I do to better myself? Ha, ha, I started writing this entry on December 4, and so many things I had said are no longer applicable. A testament to my inability to finish thoughts. Sentences, er, concep — Great winter break so far! I’ve been able to visit with Jessie and Linnea a couple times, the Asians (a collective term for any one of them – I won’t be arsed to list them off because it’s all the same, really. Okay, kidding, but they know who they are) and brother is coming home tonight to visit for the weekend. Not too excited about Christmas Eve or whatever – for us it’s just about food. At least right now, since I’m not hungry, I don’t care or want to think a whole lot about food. I’ll probably care tomorrow when I wake up. Eh, I’m in a rush to finish this just so I can say I posted. I’m not in an especially good mood right now. Volatile emotions and whatnot. You know. Being a girl. I could cry right now. Ugh, I’m about ready to wax poetic about the uncertainty of the future and happiness and misery. Seriously, terrible angsty one-liners are running through my head (what the fuck kind of line is “running through my head”? what bullshittery) BAHHHHHHHH. No, it’s okay. I love life. And all that rot. I had a very unsettling dream the other night.

December 23 2009, 9:57pm | Comments »

NICOLE, MON. anon!

D’oh

Let’s Try Something New or: Here We Go Again

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