Recalling a moment last winter in my last apartment (Sandstone 102 aka sandSTORM102) alone in the living dungeon when the frat boys upstairs or perhaps just outside in the adjacent apartment complexes ended a party listening to Phil Collins. The music leaked into my apartment for what felt like hours but was probably only half an hour, 45 minutes tops.
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I posted to nicolysis.net
She remembers
http://nicolysis.net/2011/12/790/
- Tags:
- memories
- General
- Phil Collins
December 22 2011, 3:34am | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
I should be studying right now
http://www.nicolysis.net/2011/05/i-should-be-studying-right-now/
There is a serious fly infestation in the apartment. It is equal parts disgusting and funny. We aren’t sure how this came to be, just that the other morning yells of frustration could be heard from the kitchen. Indeed, out by the garbage can was Christie, wielding a cereal box and batting it against the window. An estimated 30 flies met their end in those ten minutes of fight. The battlegrounds in a quiet moment We do have a theory. For a while we’ve suspected birds living in our dryer vent, as evidenced by the chirping and flapping noises, and the dryer not doing its damn job. Now we think something died in there, and a fly laid its eggs on the dead body in our walls. They always struggle at the end. The final resting place of more than 100 flies. This shit actually works, now.
May 10 2011, 5:33pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
March words
http://www.nicolysis.net/2011/04/march-words/
Just sharing some overall stats from my 750words last month. I didn’t complete the One Month Challenge, and I’ve already failed it for this month, but I’ll do better next month. Statistics Average time to 750 words: 23 minutes Average word speed: 31/min 18 days completed of the 23 days started 15,561 total words Word Cloud
April 7 2011, 1:27pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
Not missing Facebook
http://www.nicolysis.net/2011/03/not-missing-facebook/
It’s been over three weeks since I last logged into Facebook (I think I deleted it), and I can say with confidence that I’m happier without it. (For the record, I deny ever being “addicted” to Facebook.) Sure, I’m missing out, but that’s part of why I’m happier. I don’t have to see other people having fun without me, so my stupid lady feelings don’t get offended. (Yeah, being a girl still sucks, but nothing’s going to change that.) Even if I do find out eventually, it hurts a lot less. Which doesn’t really make sense, but that’s okay. I’ve kept busy. I have a lot to do. Not sure if it’s helping me with my studies, but we’ll see. Now that I mention it, last spring I gave up Facebook for Lent and got a 4.0 – possibly relevant. I miss Plano, my dog (as usual), viola, mommy and daddy (nevermind that I saw them just over a week ago, I still miss them), the pink LeSportsac pencil bag that I either lost or left at home, Nico (my dog), driving 200 miles alone (which I don’t get to do often because it seems like every time I want to go home, so does my brother…I think it’s a conspiracy devised by papa to minimize my driving. He’ll completely deny it, though. And hi mom, I know you’re reading this – no, I’m not bitter, just observing. In fact, I find it amusing), using my wireless keyboard (given up hope on ever finding the receiver), and my non-Austin friends. N-N-N-NAP TIME! Then study-for-genetics time.
March 1 2011, 5:29pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
One less thing to worry about
http://www.nicolysis.net/2011/02/one-less-thing-to-worry-about/
Put down the deposit on my next apartment. Quite glad to not have to worry about where I’m going to live come next semester. Now it’s just up to me that there is a next semester. Don’t know if I’ve made it clear, but I don’t handle stress well. With the first wave of exams almost past, and no despair-inducing results, I think I’ll be okay. Recognize, though, that this is entirely contingent upon me staying focused.
February 26 2011, 5:25pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
I feel like an idiot.
http://www.nicolysis.net/2011/02/i-feel-like-an-idiot/
I can’t find the receiver for my wireless keyboard. Last Tuesday I put it somewhere and I distinctly remember thinking “This is a strange place to keep something – I hope I remember!” Possibly in the Austin landfill (or wherever the garbage truck goes) by now.
- Tags:
- General
- electronics
- keyboard
- lost
- silly
February 18 2011, 12:49am | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
Look up
http://www.nicolysis.net/2011/01/look-up/
I look down at my feet as I kick the soccer ball, steering it inexpertly around little orange cones. “Look up!” coach admonishes, to which I ask myself, How is that supposed to help? as I obediently tilt my head upwards to examine the clouds.
January 29 2011, 12:57am | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
I’ve got this plan
http://www.nicolysis.net/2011/01/ive-got-this-plan/
I have one of these at home.
She lives at home. I love her. When I am able, I’m going to get one of these.
Train him to be awesome, and when he’s proper housebroken, get one of these.
And have the corgi help me train her to be awesome. Meanwhile, the husky will continue to be a spazz, and they will all be my favorite. Better a crazy dog lady than a crazy cat lady. I miss Nico again. When I got a new iPod for Christmas, this was one of the first pictures I took.
But first I need to buckle the hell down this semester. Now let’s get started on this genetics text book.
January 9 2011, 3:52pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
Everything in Moderation
http://www.nicolysis.net/2010/12/everything-in-moderation/
It’s good to be home. Good thing I’m leaving before I hate it again. Not that I ever hate home – you know, you just get those moments where you want to claw your way out. Don’t want to feel that way, so that’s why I’m heading back in a little over a week. But really, I do love home.
December 17 2010, 11:47pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
D’oh
http://www.nicolysis.net/2010/10/doh/
I’ve been a little miserable the past couple months even though I’ve tried to keep a positive attitude. From the very beginning I was unsatisfied with my schedule, and the classes themselves I don’t enjoy. Academically I’m not doing well at all, and I’m getting increasingly anxious. it’s my fault, though, because I’ve been missing so much class. I don’t want to be lectured on it; I’m more disappointed in myself than anyone else. I think I’m capable of doing well but I’m getting frustrated and hopeless so I wonder. I think I’m getting too fond of my friends. Their opinion matters to me more than it used to, and I feel at a disadvantage because I’m not a better person. By better I mean smarter, more disciplined, more fun to be around. See? Getting a little too close. I mean to push them away a little bit, but as soon as I see an opportunity to have even a little bit of company, I ask, and then get disappointed. Granted, when I am around some people I’m still discontent or bored even. I hate to think coming to Austin was a mistake. Or maybe studying biology is a mistake. I don’t want to start over, but something needs to change. I wonder if I need different friends, but I’m too shy to talk to new people for the sake of talking. and I like the friends I have, even if I really want to hate them most of the time. Funnily, I had the very same sentiments last year in Arlington even though I had no friends. Only it’s kind of worse now because my grades are horrible in important classes rather than electives. Wait. Does that mean friends = bad grades? But either way I’m sad. I just need to sleep less or concentrate better. I don’t knowww mannn. I just want to know that everything will be okay, but this is the most unsure I’ve felt in a while. Maybe living alone would have been a better idea.
- Tags:
- sad
- Daily life
- Friends
- General
- Academics
- feelings
- Austin
- Sunshine
- butterflies
- disappointment
- discontent
- dreams
- optimism
- positive attitude
- rainbows
- what
October 21 2010, 10:07pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
Carless and Snow White
http://www.nicolysis.net/2010/02/carless-and-snow-white/
I think I’m too dependent on my car. Even though I don’t use it quite so much in college, I feel like I’ve lost something. Really no big deal; brother’s just taking it to San Antonio for the time being since he totaled his car. He needs it more than I do, and we’re siblings, so we help each other out. Real talk. I’m really excited about going to Austin next year, especially now that I have the living situation worked out. It might be cramped: five people in one apartment, but we’ll manage. It will be much less costly than living on campus, and the half-mile walk will be good for me. It snowed a lot on Thursday. A lot in North Texas standards; maybe you heard about it. It was the most snow I have ever seen at once. Unfortunately, I was ill-equipped for the snow, and I still had to go to class. I was a little miserable trudging through the snow in jeans, a sweatshirt, and a pair of Converse. My physics test was postponed so I went back to my dorm and saw a couple of smart people outside the dorm. “You put the Wal-Mart bag over the shoe.” Alas, it was too late for me. Then the school closed down at 3:00pm. The damage was done. Friday’s classes were cancelled, too, but I don’t have classes Fridays, so no bigs. I spent the rest of Thursday watching Metalocalypse. What a great show. I think I slept straight through Friday – not even a little bit of studying (which would have been prudent) or eating. I didn’t feel that my hunger was worth a walk through the snow. I did, however, tend to my car a little bit by removing the five inches of snow that sat on the windshield. My brother laughed at me when I was late picking him up from the train station on Saturday. We went home and had dinner as a family, they watched the Olympics while I worked, napped, and did laundry, and then yesterday morning my dad drove me back to school. This was probably my most eventful weekend since school started. It was nice seeing everybody, but I hate to say that it didn’t feel particularly special. My first tests of the semester this week, and first English essay – feeling a little uneasy about all of this. I have no doubt I’ll be fine, but this knowledge cannot help my insecurities. I really don’t know how to end an entry. I hate writing.
February 15 2010, 10:06am | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
Sweet ‘n sour sauce isn’t sour
http://www.nicolysis.net/2010/01/sweet-n-sour-sauce-isnt-sour/
So there are people I care deeply about. I don’t know, caring must be some strange compulsion of mine – I just can’t help it. Most of the time I wish I didn’t care about these people. I mean, I don’t want to care, especially because most of these people are only acquaintances who I imagine wouldn’t try to give two shits about me. Maybe. I’ve been surprised in the past. Then again, I’ve also been disappointed. I care about how he feels. I’m concerned for his safety and mental health. I don’t want him to feel sad or alone. And I want him to understand that I care that much. But I don’t, because I have no right to. We aren’t that close. I don’t even know if we’re friends. This makes me out to be a total creep. And he doesn’t care about me – he wouldn’t care that I care. The fact that I want him to be happy means nothing to him. Only, I don’t know that, and I’m too scared to find out. Because that would leave me in too vulnerable a state. Not to mention, it may turn out that I care a great deal more than I thought, which may very well break my damn heart. Because even though I care about him, I don’t trust him. I don’t think I can trust anyone other than the few that I do already. For the record, “he” is no specific person. “He” is everyone. All this trouble, and it’s not even a romantic sentiment. At least I don’t think it is – if it were, would I know? Anyway, I imagine I’ll never find out. I think I’ve already resigned myself to living and dying alone. And it’s not that I don’t mind – in fact, I have this foreboding sense of despair whenever I think about my future. I really hate to be so melodramatic. This makes me remember the last time I tried to “open” myself up. Only disaster. Three weeks, I almost couldn’t function: I literally felt my eyes drooping. When I relaxed my face muscles, they formed a frown. I couldn’t walk upright, because my chest felt heavy; I was dragging my heart across the floor. People around me noticed something was wrong – I don’t think I cared enough to try and hide it. I was grateful that no one really pushed the issue. Even after this great winter break, I harbor no new hope for future relationships (or current and developing ones, for that matter). I don’t expect much out of anything. The worst part is, I think I’m trying to prevent any more. It helps me cut down on people to care about. But damn people have to be so nice. Which creates a completely different problem. For the past couple years, I’ve noticed a growing lack of sympathy. It’s not entirely unexpected, especially since for the most part this concerns people I don’t know personally. I don’t want to talk about it too much. And it’s not even out of shame for not caring. Actually, I don’t really know what. How do I explain something to paper? There’s not even a need for me to. I don’t know what kind of person I am. I just know that I’m not sad. I’m not an idealist. I’m not expecting any sort of relief by making this public. I certainly don’t expect any comfort from whatever anyone has to say, because I’m not looking for comfort. I just need for people to understand me a little better. It may be a little bleak, but I’m alright with all of this. Some wouldn’t accept it, but I just want you to know that even though a lot of times I feel helpless, alone, and unfulfilled, I have enough moments of fun, happiness, rainbows, and sunshine out my ass to sustain my will to live and enjoy living.
January 17 2010, 6:52pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
Bookends
http://www.nicolysis.net/2010/01/bookends/
My winter break ends soon. This was easily one of the best ones in a long time. I spend a lot of time with Jessie and Linnea, with whom there is never a dull moment. Even after knowing the both of them for almost 15 years, I feel like we kind of grew closer after hanging out so much this past month. That’s not to say we haven’t had lapses of communication, but it’s always so easy to just pick up right where we left off after months of time apart. And then there was the chilling with some other people I’ve only considered friends for less than 1-5 years. All in all, this was a very refreshing winter break, especially after a miserable semester in Arlington. At least this way I can look forward this new semester with a renewed attitude. Which is an interesting thing for me to say, since I don’t really believe in the whole “new year, new chances” stuff. I’m really excited to do well. Post of happy feelings.
- Tags:
- school
- college
- university
- Daily life
- Friends
- General
- vacation
- Academics
- 2010
- Arlington
- break
- semester
- winter
January 17 2010, 3:25pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
Let’s Try Something New or: Here We Go Again
http://www.nicolysis.net/2009/12/lets-try-something-new-or-here-we-go-again/
Wow. I feel like I only post once every other month. No, wait, that’s exactly how it is. It’s for the best, though. Otherwise there would be dozens more entries over trivial feelings and the nothings that occur in my life. Besides, anything worth mentioning can be said in 140 characters or less (that’s what Twitter is for). Or a single paragraph (that’s what tumblr is for). Of course, when I do have intentions to post here it always ends up typed, unfinished and finally deleted. From the database and my mind. Hohoho, “my mind.” On to the trivial stuff. I finished my first semester of college recently. The verdict: not bad, but I suspect it will get more difficult. Academically, I’m doing a few things wrong. But I’ve been getting better lately. I just feel really discouraged. There are many leading tones sounding off in my head, begging to be followed on, answered by silence. What can I do to better myself? Ha, ha, I started writing this entry on December 4, and so many things I had said are no longer applicable. A testament to my inability to finish thoughts. Sentences, er, concep — Great winter break so far! I’ve been able to visit with Jessie and Linnea a couple times, the Asians (a collective term for any one of them – I won’t be arsed to list them off because it’s all the same, really. Okay, kidding, but they know who they are) and brother is coming home tonight to visit for the weekend. Not too excited about Christmas Eve or whatever – for us it’s just about food. At least right now, since I’m not hungry, I don’t care or want to think a whole lot about food. I’ll probably care tomorrow when I wake up. Eh, I’m in a rush to finish this just so I can say I posted. I’m not in an especially good mood right now. Volatile emotions and whatnot. You know. Being a girl. I could cry right now. Ugh, I’m about ready to wax poetic about the uncertainty of the future and happiness and misery. Seriously, terrible angsty one-liners are running through my head (what the fuck kind of line is “running through my head”? what bullshittery) BAHHHHHHHH. No, it’s okay. I love life. And all that rot. I had a very unsettling dream the other night.
- Tags:
- personal
- emotions
- future
- Daily life
- Friends
- General
- vacation
- Academics
- musings
- thought
- post
- depression
- feelings
- insecurities
- post-poned
- procrastination
- trivial
December 23 2009, 9:57pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
You know how this feels.
http://www.nicolysis.net/2009/10/you-know-how-this-feels/
I really hate writing. I didn’t always, but for the past few years I’ve noticed through my writing how self-absorbed, narcissistic, and insecure I am. It really makes me hate myself. But really, I think everyone is this way, but I really hate noticing it. For example, it’s really difficult for me not to talk about myself. It just proves how personally I take everything – and I mean everything. It can’t be healthy. I’m a terrible writer, but there was a time when I thought I was the best thing ever. I’m really grateful for high school: if there’s anything I learned from English it’s how pretentious I am. The reality is, I don’t know how to organize my thoughts and have it make sense to anyone but myself. Again, this is just a reflection of how self-serving I am. I tend to give up really quickly, or want to start over all the time. It has a lot to do with why I never update anymore. Another part is because I know that no one is going to want to read the boring shit that never really happens. Everything I have to say whenever I feel like writing is usually self-loathing (no one wants to read that), trivial enough to post in 140 characters or less (so I do exactly that), or more effort to write about than it’s really worth (I give up half-way). Anyone who knows me knows how terribly lazy I am, and I have such a difficult time getting across what I want to say. There’s really no sequence. It’s little more than a rant, and I want to do more than that, but rarely do. That said, I’m not going to finish this post. I had more to say, but I never finish what I mean to say. I really, really hate writing. Please don’t respond. I always get over it. —————- Now playing: The Strokes – 12:51 via FoxyTunes
October 18 2009, 3:50pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
Hooray friendship (cheered up)!
http://www.nicolysis.net/2009/06/hooray-friendship-cheered-up/
Saturday I hit another car, and have since been feeling ashamed and inadequate. Gino suggested that going to Linnea’s graduation party (Sunday) would cheer me up; I had previously decided not to so as to deprive myself of fun. I tend to punish myself; it’s the easiest way for me to feel just. But then my mom and dad suggested I go, too, so I went to Linnea’s around 5:15. I am so glad I went; the company was very therapeutic. It was basically a couple hours of reminiscing on twelve years of my life. I felt very happy afterwards. Even if I did feel like a terrible person – the things I taught my friends in our prepubescent years shows how unfit I am to be around children. Twelve year olds are not supposed to know things I knew when I was twelve, and for some reason I was naïve enough to think sharing such knowledge with my peers was appropriate. It’s a good thing everyone turned out okay. This summer is going to be amazing. I wrote out a list of goals, and I’m really excited about tackling them. It’s really a shame that I have trouble facing each day, though. Each morning, I remind myself of the things I have to look forward to. Do you see where I’m getting at? I really ought to be less stupid.
June 16 2009, 5:10pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
Finished High School
http://www.nicolysis.net/2009/06/finished-high-school/
Really? I thought this day would never come. Today was the last day of exams, of which I had none. Still, I had to get a couple signatures to withdraw from school and “officially” be finished. I decided to hang around, though. I went to the 3D art class to help sand down the tables – that was mega-tiring, but fun. For a couple hours we sanded tables. I don’t know why I offerred to help – the gays. Last night our class president organized a pillow fight between exams on the school’s grassy knoll as the senior class “prank” (it’s not really a prank, but whatever). So, the 3D students spent a couple hours labouriously sanding tables, arms aching and tired, and the bell rings. We grab our pillows and walk outside. When the whistle blows, chaos breaks out. I felt a little bad about hitting people I don’t even know, but I think they understood. It was a lot of fun – great bonding time. There’s nothing better then letting out four years of pent up frustration by beating your peers with pillows. Hope someone took pictures. It only lasted about ten minutes, but everyone was exhausted and giddy. There are so many things I want to say about the past four years and, regarding some people the past 10-12 years, but I don’t even know where to begin. So, I’ve decided not to. I’ll just list some things. Humanities, orchestra, Dir en grey (2x), projects, TMEA, AcDec, people, Chapman (computer science). I’m very happy I got to meet all the people I’ve met. I don’t expect I’ll ever see most of you ever again, but I hope you know I am very appreciative of your company for the past few years.
- Tags:
- memories
- Friends
- General
- Academics
- class of 09
- goodbye
- high school
- musings
- pillow fight
- prank
- reflections
- senior year
- sentiments
June 5 2009, 4:00pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
You’re Right, Internet
http://www.nicolysis.net/2009/04/youre-right-internet/
I love how blunt and straightforward this site is. It never fails to make me smile.
April 21 2009, 6:43pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
Brevity of Mine Life
http://www.nicolysis.net/2009/04/brevity-of-mine-life/
CAPped. Messed up the 5th grading period. On my last oppurtunity to redeem myself. Is working so far. Upgraded a friendship to level 8. Going to prom. Saw Adventureland. Loved it. Acting: mediocre. Story: much more than I expected (that is, it wasn’t the stupid sexual/drunken, though admittedly hilarious, humour of Superbad). Soundtrack: a-fucking-mazing. Finally got my letterman jacket (was supposed to get it early February). Really getting into the microblogging thing, because I never have anything lengthy or worthwhile to say. Witnessed high school drama. Annoyed. Kind of want to elaborate, but that would be breaking the terse style of this entry.
- Tags:
- cinema
- college
- future
- Daily life
- General
- Academics
- high school
- adventureland
- friendship
- jacket
- microblogging
- movie
- prom
- UT
- UTA
April 19 2009, 3:21pm | Comments »
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