I’m back home right now and I got up early to try and do some studying. Normally, the first thing I do when I wake up at home is visit with Nico for a little bit, but today she’s still at the boarding since my parents just came back from their mini-vacation. I feel like my day hasn’t started. I want to see my doggy.
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I posted to nicolemon.tumblr.com
I’m back home right now and I got up early to try and do some studying. Normally, the first...
http://nicolemon.tumblr.com/post/5269798119
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- musings
May 7 2011, 7:35am | Comments »
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I posted to nicolemon.tumblr.com
Such is nature. There is a moment shared between only the...
http://nicolemon.tumblr.com/post/482057709
Such is nature. There is a moment shared between only the predator and the prey, in the spanse of time that the victim realizes that his death is certain, and nothing can be done to stop it, that he accepts his end. There is no more fear or panic, only awe as he stares into the eyes of his killer, in a trance. “This is it,” he tells himself. “I wonder what happens after his jaw snaps. Will I hear a loud crack or crunch? Will I die instantly or will I fall asleep?” (2006.Dec.15)
March 29 2010, 1:32pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
Sweet ‘n sour sauce isn’t sour
http://www.nicolysis.net/2010/01/sweet-n-sour-sauce-isnt-sour/
So there are people I care deeply about. I don’t know, caring must be some strange compulsion of mine – I just can’t help it. Most of the time I wish I didn’t care about these people. I mean, I don’t want to care, especially because most of these people are only acquaintances who I imagine wouldn’t try to give two shits about me. Maybe. I’ve been surprised in the past. Then again, I’ve also been disappointed. I care about how he feels. I’m concerned for his safety and mental health. I don’t want him to feel sad or alone. And I want him to understand that I care that much. But I don’t, because I have no right to. We aren’t that close. I don’t even know if we’re friends. This makes me out to be a total creep. And he doesn’t care about me – he wouldn’t care that I care. The fact that I want him to be happy means nothing to him. Only, I don’t know that, and I’m too scared to find out. Because that would leave me in too vulnerable a state. Not to mention, it may turn out that I care a great deal more than I thought, which may very well break my damn heart. Because even though I care about him, I don’t trust him. I don’t think I can trust anyone other than the few that I do already. For the record, “he” is no specific person. “He” is everyone. All this trouble, and it’s not even a romantic sentiment. At least I don’t think it is – if it were, would I know? Anyway, I imagine I’ll never find out. I think I’ve already resigned myself to living and dying alone. And it’s not that I don’t mind – in fact, I have this foreboding sense of despair whenever I think about my future. I really hate to be so melodramatic. This makes me remember the last time I tried to “open” myself up. Only disaster. Three weeks, I almost couldn’t function: I literally felt my eyes drooping. When I relaxed my face muscles, they formed a frown. I couldn’t walk upright, because my chest felt heavy; I was dragging my heart across the floor. People around me noticed something was wrong – I don’t think I cared enough to try and hide it. I was grateful that no one really pushed the issue. Even after this great winter break, I harbor no new hope for future relationships (or current and developing ones, for that matter). I don’t expect much out of anything. The worst part is, I think I’m trying to prevent any more. It helps me cut down on people to care about. But damn people have to be so nice. Which creates a completely different problem. For the past couple years, I’ve noticed a growing lack of sympathy. It’s not entirely unexpected, especially since for the most part this concerns people I don’t know personally. I don’t want to talk about it too much. And it’s not even out of shame for not caring. Actually, I don’t really know what. How do I explain something to paper? There’s not even a need for me to. I don’t know what kind of person I am. I just know that I’m not sad. I’m not an idealist. I’m not expecting any sort of relief by making this public. I certainly don’t expect any comfort from whatever anyone has to say, because I’m not looking for comfort. I just need for people to understand me a little better. It may be a little bleak, but I’m alright with all of this. Some wouldn’t accept it, but I just want you to know that even though a lot of times I feel helpless, alone, and unfulfilled, I have enough moments of fun, happiness, rainbows, and sunshine out my ass to sustain my will to live and enjoy living.
January 17 2010, 6:52pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
Let’s Try Something New or: Here We Go Again
http://www.nicolysis.net/2009/12/lets-try-something-new-or-here-we-go-again/
Wow. I feel like I only post once every other month. No, wait, that’s exactly how it is. It’s for the best, though. Otherwise there would be dozens more entries over trivial feelings and the nothings that occur in my life. Besides, anything worth mentioning can be said in 140 characters or less (that’s what Twitter is for). Or a single paragraph (that’s what tumblr is for). Of course, when I do have intentions to post here it always ends up typed, unfinished and finally deleted. From the database and my mind. Hohoho, “my mind.” On to the trivial stuff. I finished my first semester of college recently. The verdict: not bad, but I suspect it will get more difficult. Academically, I’m doing a few things wrong. But I’ve been getting better lately. I just feel really discouraged. There are many leading tones sounding off in my head, begging to be followed on, answered by silence. What can I do to better myself? Ha, ha, I started writing this entry on December 4, and so many things I had said are no longer applicable. A testament to my inability to finish thoughts. Sentences, er, concep — Great winter break so far! I’ve been able to visit with Jessie and Linnea a couple times, the Asians (a collective term for any one of them – I won’t be arsed to list them off because it’s all the same, really. Okay, kidding, but they know who they are) and brother is coming home tonight to visit for the weekend. Not too excited about Christmas Eve or whatever – for us it’s just about food. At least right now, since I’m not hungry, I don’t care or want to think a whole lot about food. I’ll probably care tomorrow when I wake up. Eh, I’m in a rush to finish this just so I can say I posted. I’m not in an especially good mood right now. Volatile emotions and whatnot. You know. Being a girl. I could cry right now. Ugh, I’m about ready to wax poetic about the uncertainty of the future and happiness and misery. Seriously, terrible angsty one-liners are running through my head (what the fuck kind of line is “running through my head”? what bullshittery) BAHHHHHHHH. No, it’s okay. I love life. And all that rot. I had a very unsettling dream the other night.
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December 23 2009, 9:57pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.tumblr.com
concerning the previous post: in retrospect, yeah, I think it is
http://nicolysis.tumblr.com/post/264332213
concerning the previous post: in retrospect, yeah, I think it is
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- musings
- retrospect
- post
November 30 2009, 10:15pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolemon.tumblr.com
concerning the previous post: in retrospect, yeah, I think it is
http://nicolemon.tumblr.com/post/264332213
concerning the previous post: in retrospect, yeah, I think it is
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- musings
- retrospect
- post
November 30 2009, 10:15pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.tumblr.com
It’s harrowing, knowing that some things will never be resolved. I think I understand now why...
http://nicolysis.tumblr.com/post/252231437
It’s harrowing, knowing that some things will never be resolved. I think I understand now why...
November 21 2009, 4:06pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolemon.tumblr.com
It’s harrowing, knowing that some things will never be resolved. I think I understand now why...
http://nicolemon.tumblr.com/post/252231437
It’s harrowing, knowing that some things will never be resolved. I think I understand now why people are so eager to believe in life after death
November 21 2009, 4:06pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
You know how this feels.
http://www.nicolysis.net/2009/10/you-know-how-this-feels/
I really hate writing. I didn’t always, but for the past few years I’ve noticed through my writing how self-absorbed, narcissistic, and insecure I am. It really makes me hate myself. But really, I think everyone is this way, but I really hate noticing it. For example, it’s really difficult for me not to talk about myself. It just proves how personally I take everything – and I mean everything. It can’t be healthy. I’m a terrible writer, but there was a time when I thought I was the best thing ever. I’m really grateful for high school: if there’s anything I learned from English it’s how pretentious I am. The reality is, I don’t know how to organize my thoughts and have it make sense to anyone but myself. Again, this is just a reflection of how self-serving I am. I tend to give up really quickly, or want to start over all the time. It has a lot to do with why I never update anymore. Another part is because I know that no one is going to want to read the boring shit that never really happens. Everything I have to say whenever I feel like writing is usually self-loathing (no one wants to read that), trivial enough to post in 140 characters or less (so I do exactly that), or more effort to write about than it’s really worth (I give up half-way). Anyone who knows me knows how terribly lazy I am, and I have such a difficult time getting across what I want to say. There’s really no sequence. It’s little more than a rant, and I want to do more than that, but rarely do. That said, I’m not going to finish this post. I had more to say, but I never finish what I mean to say. I really, really hate writing. Please don’t respond. I always get over it. —————- Now playing: The Strokes – 12:51 via FoxyTunes
October 18 2009, 3:50pm | Comments »
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I posted to nicolysis.net
Finished High School
http://www.nicolysis.net/2009/06/finished-high-school/
Really? I thought this day would never come. Today was the last day of exams, of which I had none. Still, I had to get a couple signatures to withdraw from school and “officially” be finished. I decided to hang around, though. I went to the 3D art class to help sand down the tables – that was mega-tiring, but fun. For a couple hours we sanded tables. I don’t know why I offerred to help – the gays. Last night our class president organized a pillow fight between exams on the school’s grassy knoll as the senior class “prank” (it’s not really a prank, but whatever). So, the 3D students spent a couple hours labouriously sanding tables, arms aching and tired, and the bell rings. We grab our pillows and walk outside. When the whistle blows, chaos breaks out. I felt a little bad about hitting people I don’t even know, but I think they understood. It was a lot of fun – great bonding time. There’s nothing better then letting out four years of pent up frustration by beating your peers with pillows. Hope someone took pictures. It only lasted about ten minutes, but everyone was exhausted and giddy. There are so many things I want to say about the past four years and, regarding some people the past 10-12 years, but I don’t even know where to begin. So, I’ve decided not to. I’ll just list some things. Humanities, orchestra, Dir en grey (2x), projects, TMEA, AcDec, people, Chapman (computer science). I’m very happy I got to meet all the people I’ve met. I don’t expect I’ll ever see most of you ever again, but I hope you know I am very appreciative of your company for the past few years.
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- memories
- Friends
- General
- Academics
- class of 09
- goodbye
- high school
- musings
- pillow fight
- prank
- reflections
- senior year
- sentiments
June 5 2009, 4:00pm | Comments »
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