Items Tag › NICOLE, MON. anon!

D’oh

http://www.nicolysis.net/2010/10/doh/

I’ve been a little miserable the past couple months even though I’ve tried to keep a positive attitude. From the very beginning I was unsatisfied with my schedule, and the classes themselves I don’t enjoy. Academically I’m not doing well at all, and I’m getting increasingly anxious. it’s my fault, though, because I’ve been missing so much class. I don’t want to be lectured on it; I’m more disappointed in myself than anyone else. I think I’m capable of doing well but I’m getting frustrated and hopeless so I wonder. I think I’m getting too fond of my friends. Their opinion matters to me more than it used to, and I feel at a disadvantage because I’m not a better person. By better I mean smarter, more disciplined, more fun to be around. See? Getting a little too close. I mean to push them away a little bit, but as soon as I see an opportunity to have even a little bit of company, I ask, and then get disappointed. Granted, when I am around some people I’m still discontent or bored even. I hate to think coming to Austin was a mistake. Or maybe studying biology is a mistake. I don’t want to start over, but something needs to change. I wonder if I need different friends, but I’m too shy to talk to new people for the sake of talking. and I like the friends I have, even if I really want to hate them most of the time. Funnily, I had the very same sentiments last year in Arlington even though I had no friends. Only it’s kind of worse now because my grades are horrible in important classes rather than electives. Wait. Does that mean friends = bad grades? But either way I’m sad. I just need to sleep less or concentrate better. I don’t knowww mannn. I just want to know that everything will be okay, but this is the most unsure I’ve felt in a while. Maybe living alone would have been a better idea.