Home › NICOLE, MON. anon!

Jeez...this turned out to be epic (and not in the good way). so unless you have a vested interest in this subject, just move on to the next topic. First of all, EVERY story and situation is completely unique, so this is just our story. I can't speak on the adoption process itself because it changes so frequently, and it's already been 15 years for us. What I can speak of is our experience in raising 2 girls who were already almost 5 and 6 when we adopted them (they are biological siblings). The experience people have actually raising these children doesn't seem to be addressed anywhere, so that's why I decided to make myself available for people who want some frame of reference. You reach such a point of desperation during the infertility and adoption process that you truly believe that love can fix everything, and what I learned was how naive a notion that is. But there's a sense of ungratefulness you feel when you've finally realized your dream of becoming a parent, and then things don't work out happily ever. It's my belief that that's why this issue seems to be rarely discussed. We have dealt with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Fetal Alcohol Effects, Reactive Attachment Disorder, arrests, drugs, failing out of school, lying, sneaking around, destruction of property -- go ahead and name it....we've been there. We're both college educated, own a business and although we're far from rich, we have both the resources and support of our families to have provided these girls with every opportunity, but instead most of it was spent on counseling, all sorts of programs, specialists, and a whole shopping list of other things, none of which ultimately made much of a dent. I look at two things very differently now: 1) nature versus nurture and 2) Freud's assertion that personality is fully developed by age 5. My intention isn't to discourage anyone from adopting -- it's to provide maybe some perspective and resources that I wish there had been more of when I first set out so maybe I could have been more proactive than reactive. The question with ALL kids always is "if you had it to do over, would you?" And my answer after 15 years is a very weak and weary "I just don't know." EDIT: Wow. Wasn't expecting so many responses so quickly. I'll try to elaborate on the most salient points (which, as it turns out, weren't the MOST salient so now they're way down at the bottom): SECOND EDIT: Double wow. I've been at this for hours now. I really wasn't expecting this kind of reaction. But clearly there are lots of misconceptions so let me be more clear: I'm a woman (why do so many assume I'm the father?). My relationship with my husband was very strong before we decided on adoption, and although there have been some very bumpy roads, we've stuck it out mostly because we shared all the same core beliefs and values to start with, not just as relates to parenting. I'm NOT bashing Russia. I only mentioned Russia because so many asked, and Russian people happen to be wonderfully warm and hospitable so I'm not Russia-bashing. But Eastern Europe had opened for adoption, I was already close to 40 years old, I TRULY didn't think adopting older kids or two kids at a time would be an issue (I mean, you're parents...they're kids...all you have to do is love them, right? tell me you ALL didn't believe that before you became parents). Do I love them. Of course I do! I see all their good too, you know. But the bad was SO persistent and unrelenting and soul sucking and eventually the bad just overtook ALL the good to the point where I had nothing left to give that I hadn't already tried, and wasn't going to make any difference anyway. My door is still open to them every time they call or text me (and for my older one, that's few and far between but it happens) and yes, I support them emotionally but I no longer support them financially. I love them, I even mostly like them (or a lot about them) but I just don't have any respect for either of them, and that's what I wish I had. I never expected or even wanted my kids to be perfect (whatever that might mean). But I did expect for them to have at least a minimal amount of respect for our home, our values, US.... Instead, from Day One, all we ever got was lying, sneaking around, broken promises (truth be told, they never once actually kept a single promise they made), they literally never followed one single rule, they compromised our safety and were physically abusive of us and destructive of our home, which we have busted our asses to provide for them. I didn't just throw them out -- I gave them years and years of second chances, professional help (you HAVE to know when it's time to admit you can't do it yourself) and ALWAYS did what I said I was going to do, so it's not like I "threatened" (which is merely hot air if you don't actually back it up). Had they been "normal" kids and just a pain in the ass but at least somewhat respectful and making decent grades in school and doing at least what is expected of a teenager, it would have been a completely different scenario at age 18, and now as well. I believe we achieved some "success" as parents simply because my girls -- while definitely having been involved in drugs, shoplifting, stealing cars, etc. -- never went so far as to make it a way of life at least. Although they tend to up and quit as soon as jobs get to be too boring or too stressful or whatever (both have only worked in foodservice), both have at least held jobs since they were old enough to do so, so to my knowledge and last I heard from her (3 months ago) my older daughter was gainfully employed. Why Eastern Europe (in our case, Russia)? Because 15 years ago international adoption was still in its infancy and the rules there made it far less traumatic than it was in the US (there were far too many states that allowed the birthmother to change her mind within 1-6 months), and you could complete an adoption within a year (which ours took, almost to the day). We felt that we had all the resources available to us to help most children, but we knew our limitations if the child needed more than we could provide. Once our girls became available, we even visited them beforehand to make sure we could provide for their particular needs. Looking back, there were some issues (highly manic behavior in our younger daughter, and extremely narcissistic behavior in our older one) but we felt that love could fix everything. As I said -- very naive of us. Do they consider us their parents? Well, this goes back and forth a lot. I think that on an intellectual level they know that we took them out of a bad situation (both parents were alcoholics -- but only the mother's alcoholism plays a factor in Fetal Alcohol issues -- and the father was a violent drunk who used to beat both his wife and the children. My girls are the youngest of 6 -- their 2 older ones were already being raised by the maternal grandmother, and the ones above them I don't know about, so presumably they were no longer minors. My girls were removed by the police when they were 3 and 4 and sent to an orphanage). Needless to say, however, when it suits them they bring out the "you're not really our parents" card, but I'd say for the most part they consider us their parents. Do we love them? Yes, of course we do, but I am the first to admit that it took me A LONG TIME to bond with the two of them because they weren't cuddly, adorable helpless little infants but rather loud, destructive and disrespectful youngsters. But over time I could see their good points -- of which there are many -- but the biggest problem with both of them has basically been their Attachment Disorder. This is something I read about before we adopted but too little was written about it. It stems from children not being able to trust (or attach to) their primary caregivers, who have repeatedly let them down (this happens a lot in the foster system and with divorce as well) and instead they attach to transient relationships -- practically to strangers. Later it tends to manifest itself by the child having seeming NO conscience in his/her actions (ie, not thinking for even one second how it might affect others). Where are they now? When my younger daughter turned 17 we sent her to a one year program at a tiny private boarding school (read: behavioral facility) that provided the 24 hour a day supervision she needed. Because of the structure and constant supervision she was able to get there (something that our local public schools COMPLETELY failed at) she was able to finally accomplish things she never had before (like passing her classes) because there were none of the distractions of drugs, juvenile delinquent friends, etc. that she had here. It was the right thing at the right time and changed SOME things, but not all of them. The one thing it did change -- eventually -- was her attitude toward us. Although we can't live with her (she completely lacks Executive functioning, which means she can't foresee what the consequences of her actions will be despite repeating them over and over and won't listen to any advice we give her to help her in that area), but we still keep in touch daily by phone or text. From Day One, my older daughter flat out refused to follow any of our rules and by middle school had so frequently snuck out in the middle of the night, or snuck boys into her room when I'd be out walking the dog or whatever, that we finally had to install a security system in our house. Nothing ever fazed her, and she couldn't have cared less how her behaviors affected the family. when she turned 18 and continued to refuse to follow any rules, we told her she had to leave. A year later she begged to come back, we told her once again that if she didn't follow our rules she'd have to leave and within 2 months, we had to again tell her to go. She blames all this on me so no, we don't speak. I'd love to have a relationship with her, but in her mind it's everyone else's fault which isn't entirely true in this case, so that makes it difficult. What would I have done differently? Unfortunately, the resources just weren't there back then. None of the Eastern European adopted kids had really become of age, so you didn't have anyone to ask about all the issues with teenagers and young adults. What I would definitely tell a newly adoptive parent though, is BE PROACTIVE. Find a QUALIFIED therapist now who can deal with the most serious of the issues -- PTSD and RAD. Don't wait until they become teenagers to see if they "grow out of it." Chances are very good that they won't, and yet something will be haunting them that they can neither express, describe or overcome on their own. Unfortunately, the wonderful therapist I found came maybe 2 or 3 years too late when my girls were already well into their teens. submitted by always-right to IAmA [link] [2506 comments]

November 28 2011, 11:56am | Comments »

I posted to reddit.com

What We Have to Say About Legalizing Marijuana [FIXED]

http://www.reddit.com/r/trees/comments/ms0m2/what_we_have_to_say_about_legalizing_marijuana/

When the President took office, he directed all of his policymakers to develop policies based on science and research, not ideology or politics. Really? So by that line of logic, we must allow the federal government power to outlaw anything that “science and research” determines is bad for us? That doesn’t make any sense. It is utterly disingenuous to even make that assertion when we have other debilitating drugs and substances available legally (not just tobacco and alcohol, but our wide range of prescription drugs). Our concern about marijuana is based on what the science tells us about the drug's effects. According to scientists at the National Institutes of Health- the world's largest source of drug abuse research - marijuana use is associated with addiction, respiratory disease, and cognitive impairment. Alcohol use is associated with addiction, liver disease, and cognitive impairment. What is your point? I’m high right now; do I seem impaired? We know from an array of treatment admission information and Federal data that marijuana use is a significant source for voluntary drug treatment admissions and visits to emergency rooms. Please refer to my previous alcohol analogy (“analogy” is pushing it, as I only replaced a single word). Studies also reveal that marijuana potency has almost tripled over the past 20 years, raising serious concerns about what this means for public health – especially among young people who use the drug because research shows their brains continue to develop well into their 20's. Simply put, it is not a benign drug. You don’t think we’re finding new ways to make alcoholic drinks more potent? Or that super potent alcoholic drinks don’t exist? You don’t think we have public health problems for our legal substances like alcohol? Do you think pure grain alcohol is benign? Why isn't that made illegal? Wouldn’t alcohol prohibition lead to a reduction, or even an elimination, of problems associated with alcohol use? Oh wait…. Like many, we are interested in the potential marijuana may have in providing relief to individuals diagnosed with certain serious illnesses. Is that why you continue DEA crackdowns on perfectly legal Medical Marijuana Dispensaries and violate the 10th Amendment of our constitution? That is why we ardently support ongoing research into determining what components of the marijuana plant can be used as medicine. To date, however, neither the FDA nor the Institute of Medicine have found smoked marijuana to meet the modern standard for safe or effective medicine for any condition. The NIH (among other reputable scientific/public health institutions) has recognized many benefits from cannabis and its derivatives, including its tumor fighting abilities. No one is arguing that smoking plant matter is beneficial to your lungs. It’s not like you’re only outlawing the smoking of marijuana. You’re outlawing any use whatsoever. As a former police chief, I recognize we are not going to arrest our way out of the problem. Then why do you continue to make so many ridiculous drug possession arrests? We also recognize that legalizing marijuana would not provide the answer to any of the health, social, youth education, criminal justice, and community quality of life challenges associated with drug use. You know, legalizing a harmful substance doesn’t mean you are endorsing it. With tobacco and alcohol, we continue instituting drug-education programs and providing messages to our children regarding the dangers of drug use (like why it’s not a good idea to start something like smoking). Why would marijuana get treated any differently? Didn’t drug education bring down tobacco use, not prohibition? is why the President's National Drug Control Strategy is balanced and comprehensive, emphasizing prevention and treatment while at the same time supporting innovative law enforcement efforts that protect public safety and disrupt the supply of drugs entering our communities. Preventing drug use is the most cost-effective way to reduce drug use and its consequences in America. Not if prevention means giving unwarranted authority (as in, not found anywhere in the Constitution) to the federal government to pick and choose what we can and cannot ingest into our own bodies and arrest those who don't abide by your ridiculous mandate of prohibition. And, as we've seen in our work through community coalitions across the country, this approach works in making communities healthier and safer. We're also focused on expanding access to drug treatment for addicts. Treatment works. In fact, millions of Americans are in successful recovery for drug and alcoholism today. I’d take rehab over jail time, too. If you really cared about treatment you wouldn’t continue being morally dishonest with the American people about the issue of medical marijuana and not letting our sick people have the ability to seek the treatment they want. And through our work with innovative drug courts across the Nation, we are improving our criminal justice system to divert non-violent offenders into treatment. People will always use (and abuse) drugs, but that doesn’t mean you should be forcing everyone to follow your mandate of prohibition as a solution for the drug problem. Not everyone who enjoys the use of marijuana, alcohol, or other drugs necessarily has a problem. Our commitment to a balanced approach to drug control is real. This last fiscal year alone, the Federal Government spent over $10 billion on drug education and treatment programs compared to just over $9 billion on drug related law enforcement in the U.S. That really does pale in the comparison to the money being squandered on enforcing prohibition, as well as the loss of additional revenue from taxation (excise or otherwise). Thank you for making your voice heard. I encourage you to take a moment to read about the President's approach to drug control to learn more. I encourage you to take us seriously as concerned citizens, because this letter lucidly demonstrates that you don’t. I am genuinely insulted by how this could be passed off as an official White House petition response. EDIT: Thanks for the feedback guys. I tried to clean it up a bit for easier reading. As I previously mentioned, I'm planning on formalizing this a bit (I'll probably skip mentioning that I was high when I wrote this lol) and also citing relevant sources and then I'll figure out where I can send this to make the biggest impact. Further feedback and suggestions are definitely appreciated! EDIT 2: Here is the official response without my notes: https://wwws.whitehouse.gov/petitions#!/response/what-we-have-say-about-legalizing-marijuana submitted by MaxLevine to trees [link] [89 comments]

November 28 2011, 9:41am | Comments »

NICOLE, MON. anon!

Edu Lobo With The Tamba Trio – Reza

Edu Lobo With The Tamba Trio – Reza

Baden Powell – Candomblé

Nara Leão – Nana

Edu Lobo – Upa Neguinho

Sergio Ricardo – Enquanto A Tristesse Nao Vem

Nara Leão – Maria Moita

hey, friends or whatever. can we build a gingerbread house this winter?

Lord Emostabe

Lord Emostabe

Roberto Menescal e seu Conjunto – Cinco Por Oito

MPB-4 – Beco Do Mota

Vinicius de Moraes and Odette Lara – Berimbau

Edu Lobo – Zanzibar

Edu Lobo – Zanzibar

Sergio Ricardo – A Fabrica

Quarteto Em Cy – O canto de Ossanha

Baden Powell – Consolacao

Edu Lobo With The Tamba Trio – Resolucao

Cazzette – Set Fire to the Rain (A Stupid Hole Bootleg)

Cazzette – Set Fire to the Rain (A Stupid Hole Bootleg)

King Khan & The Shrines – The Ballad Of Lady Godiva

Weezer – Only In Dreams

Ben Folds Five – Brick

The Velvet Underground – Venus In Furs

The Velvet Underground – Venus In Furs

Radiohead – Nude

Joy Division – Atmosphere

Pixies – Where Is My Mind?

The Velvet Underground – Heroin

Richard Strauss – Also sprach Zarathustra, op. 30 - I Einleitung

川井憲次 – M01 I - Making of Cyborg

川井憲次 – M01 I - Making of Cyborg

Cazzette – Set Fire to the Rain (A Stupid Hole Bootleg)

Final Fantasy – The CN Tower Belongs To The Dead

Final Fantasy – The CN Tower Belongs To The Dead

Final Fantasy – The CN Tower Belongs To The Dead

Final Fantasy – The CN Tower Belongs To The Dead

Final Fantasy – The Miner Becomes Forgetful

Final Fantasy – Many Lives -> 49mp

Final Fantasy – Red Sun - Demo Version

Final Fantasy – The Donor

RELAAAAAX

Good Guy Greg's guide to letting friends crash at your place

Daria Morgendorffer & Jane Lane

how my pops found out i indulge in trees

how my pops found out i indulge in trees

TIL the lifespan of every mammal is one billion heartbeats, more or less

15 years ago we adopted 2 girls from Eastern Europe. If I had known then what I know now....AMAA.

What We Have to Say About Legalizing Marijuana [FIXED]

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